How to successfully take care of flesh eating lilies
by ivashkinated
Summary: Contains drug use, sex and alcohol. Ruby Hart and her cousin James Potter has started the term with a bang, in mid-september they've already landed dentention til christmas. The upside is that Sirius Black is sharing their detention, so Ruby can work her charms on him every friday when they're taking care of prof. Sprouts chinese flesh eating lilies. Mission shag Sirius is on!
1. Chapter 1

_Brown sugar_

_how come you taste so good?_

I was sitting in the Gryffindor common room when the greatest band of all time - The rolling stones - got on the radio. Oh how I love muggle monday hour.

"Could you turn that up, hun?" I asked the second year who sat close to the radio. She gave me a shy smile and did as I asked. 1 second later the whole common room was echoing with Mick Jaggers sexy voice singing Brown Sugar, one of my absolute favourite songs. I put my homework down and started dancing and singing with him, very loud and very false. Singing had never been one of my strenghts.

"Oi, Ruby! Could you please shut it so I can keep my hearing?" I turned around and saw my cousin, James Potter, coming towards me with his trademark grin and messy hair.

"And why should I listen to you, my dear cousin?" I asked with an equally mischevous grin and started dancing around him and kept singing.

"Yes Prongs, why should she listen to you when your oh so handsome best friend says that she should keep going. Singing in tune is so not rock'n'roll!" Sirius Black advanced through the students sitting in their circles and completing their homework, trying not to step on anyones quills.

I had been hot for Sirius ever since he was a weird kid with an even weirder family. At 10 years old I scared him off at a birthday party trying to get my 7 minutes in heaven with him. Now, at 16, I was beginning to think I should try again. Maybe.

"Standing by while others sing and dance isn't that rock'n'roll either, especially not when they're playing The Stones." I said. "How about you join in? Unless you're afraid to get caught in the sex drugs and rock'n'roll, daddy-o." I said with a mock-american accent. Flirting sober wasn't exactly one of my strenghts either.

"Luv, I've had so much of all three you wouldn't believe me if I told you." He said with a grin. "Unfortunately, I have somewhere to be right now. Maybe another time, if you can handle it." He blew us a kiss and went out the portrait hole. I turned to James, wide-eyed and triumphant. "Well cous, seems like I'm finally getting somewhere with your boyfriend!" James threw his arm around my shoulder and ruffled my long auburn hair. "Hallelujah, she's almost in my best mates pants! This demands some celebrating! Come on my dear, to the grounds!" We went out the portrait hole and sneaked our way through the castle and out to the Hogwarts grounds. The term had just started, and at mid september the air was still fairly warm. We sat down by a tree next to the lake, a pretty view to our right and a place to see if anyone was coming toward us from the castle to the left.

"Did you bring the stuff, hun?" I asked him while I pulled out my zippo lighter, my pride and joy.

"How stupid do you think I am?" He asked and pulled out a joint from his robe pocket and stretched out for the lighter. "I got this from a Hufflepuff, I paid 10 galleons for it so it better be worth it. I told him that if it wasn't I'd hex him to the next bloody century, and I intend to stand by my word!" he said and lit it up.

We weren't exactly potheads, James and I, but we had enjoyed an occasional break from the stress and pressure the teachers put on us now that we were on our 6th year of studies at Hogwarts, ever since our 4th year started. To prevent us from having melt downs, if you catch my drift.

"Don't be greedy James, it's my turn!" I told him and reached for the joint.

"Now, luv, who was it that paid for this? If you want to smoke as much as you want to, you have to pay up more often!" He said and switched hand so I couldn't reach it. "I'll just have one more blow and then you can have it, it's not like we're in a hurry." he said smilingly.

"I can take more than you, and I'm not best friends with a bloody prefect mind you!" I said scoldingly. I didn't exactly know Remus Lupin, he was just a face among others in our year to me, but a prefect was bound to report pot smoking, even if the smoker was one of his best friends.

"Dont worry about Moony, he'd never turn me in! He hasn't yet, and I don't think that he intends to start now. We're friends, and friends don't do that!" James looked at me and gave me the joint. Finally. I inhaled the sweet smoke, excited that I'd soon be free of worries like being caught by prefects, teachers and how to get in bed with Sirius Black. I inhaled 3 quick times and turned to James, now lying on his back watching the stars. Suddenly he reached out his hand, trying to grab something in the air.

"What is it?" I asked, a bit slurry. I guess the Hufflepuff guy was true to his word.

"I'm trying to catch a star for Lily, but I can't seem to get a hold of it!" James replied, as equally slurry as I and slightly irritated. He sat up and pinched the air with two fingers, as if he tried to catch a fly. It looked hilarious, so naturally I laughed my arse off.  
"Do you realise how ridiculous you look, cous?" I said between my outbursts of laughter. "I wish I had one of those muggle recording cameras so I could show Lily how you try to win her heart, she's got to go out with you if she saw this, hahahaha!"

When James heard 'muggle recording camera' he stopped his star catching and looked at me with huge, glistening eyes.

"Muggles have RECORDING cameras? That record the things you do? Not just moving pictures but recording your actions for several hours and replay them over and over again?" as he talked he leaned closer and closer to me, as if he could see my answer through my eyes if he just got close enough. "James, get out of my face will you? It's your friend I want to snog not you. And yes, there are. My dad gave me one for christmas last year!" James wrinkled his nose and put out his tongue at the snog remark. We weren't a cousin-wedding family as many other pure bloods did. Then he got up on his feet, a bit unsteady, and looked at me accusingly. "Your dad gives you something like THAT and you don't tell me? What kind of a shitty cousin are you? Is it here? CAN WE USE IT?" His eyes started glistening again, red rimmed and brown in the middle. I wish I had brown eyes. And black hair. Damn, I wish I had the Potter looks. Why don't I have the Potter look? Oh right I'm not a Potter. Fuck. "Hello, Ruby? Are you there?" I snapped back when I heard James' voice. "Oh yeah right, yes it's in my dorm. Why?" James dragged me up and started walking in a race speed towards the castle. "Because WE ARE GETTING IT. I've got to tell Padfoot about this. This is banging. We can record our pranks!" I put my heels in the ground, refusing to move any further. "It's MY camera James, MY camera. The only thing involving Sirius that is going on there, is him stripping off all his clothes and taking me very hard. Preferrably in the great hall. It's not your crappy prank documenter!"

James waved off my comments "Oh, all right I won't use it for documenting our pranks, which by the way are not crappy! I just want to have a look, that's it!" I shot him a look filled with suspicion, I'd never heard of James 'just having a look'. "That's what you said about my sunglasses, my super cool cactus, my desert rose and my hamster. Guess what they all have in common?" James looked a bit guilty as I spoke. He better feel guilty. "Yes, they're all. Freaking. Gone. Even the bloody hamster." I poked his arm, hard, at every word. He bloody deserves it, who knows what he did to my poor hamster.

"Ouch cous, no need to get physical here. The hamster ran away, and I didnt MEAN to sit on your glasses, and I didn't MEAN to over water your cactus, and I didn't MEAN to cut off your rose. And give it to Lily."

"YOU. DID. WHAT?!" suddenly I felt very sober and very angry. That rose was my baby, and now shit has hit the fan. "Lily fucking EVANS got my desert rose? The rose I paid fucking 20 galleons for as a fucking 10 year old? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY THAT IS, JAMES? DO YOU?" James looked a tad frightened as my voice rose. He better be very damn afraid. Nobody messes with my roses.

"Well, you see luv I just wanted to give her something as original and beautiful as she!"

"Original and beautiful MY ARSE. Cut off your own bloody roses!" I kicked him in the knee, as hard as I could.

"OUCH! Be careful, will you?"

"Hrm."

"What was that?" I turned to James and asked.

"What was what?" James looked dumbfounded and looked at me as if I were an idiot.

"That, miss Hart, was me clearing my throat."

We jumped at the sound of professor McGonagalls voice.

Shit. Has. Hit. Fan.

Fuck.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: This chapter is super short, it's not even a real chapter lol :(. It's more of a build-on off the first one, but the next one will be super long, promise :)

Constructive critic is always welcome! :)

It was James who reacted first, probably because he was used to get in to trouble and I wasn't. I wouldn't call myself a "good girl", you might've guessed that from the pot-smoking and all, but when I did to something, I didn't tend to get caught.

"Oh, hello professor! Lovely evening, isn't it? Perfect for an evening stroll with my beloved cousin." James said, oozing confidence with his every move. Sometimes I think I don't give him enough credit.

"Yes, mr Potter, it is indeed a lovely evening. One you two shouldn't be running around after curfew on, but enjoy from the common room windows!" Professor McGonagall said with a stern face and a sharp tone. I was fairly certain we were going to get detention. Shit, I already had too much homework to get done and now I got detention. I was so going to be held back this year. Shit, shit, shit.

I watched James and McGonagall with my red strimmed eyes, not making a sound and trying to look as innocent as I could. The professor narrowed her eyes and darted them back and forth between me and James as she sniffed the air around us. Shit, shit, double shit! I could see her shifting from irritated, to angry, to seriously pissed off. I guess writing sentences at detention was out of the question now.

"So, you have paid a little visit to mr MacMillan." she said in a voice far too calm to be heading towards something good. "Yes, professor Sprout caught him behind the greenhouses, tending to his.. Plants." James face went pale, and I bet my own complexion mirrored his.

"We agreed that everyone caught smoking or buying his merchandise will in groups of 3 be left in charge of Pomonas newly purchased chinese flesh eating lilies."

We went from pale to completely drained of any colour in our faces. I don't even like herbology, and now we had to tend to creepy carnivore plants. Shit. Professor McGonagall looked at us as she continued speaking. "You two, and another Gryffindor student, will each be in charge of 1 plant. Every week you will spend your friday nights tending to this plant, and hope that it doesn't die."

I looked at professor McGonagall, slightly terrified. "Hope that IT doesn't die? What about us? What if it eats us?" I said, my eyes huge with terror. She looked at me, irritated again. "Well, show up sober and less harm will be done to you. Now, off to the Gryffindor tower with you! And no short cuts!" She turned around and walked away, confident that we wouldn't take any "short cuts". We didn't.

When we reached the portrait hole we bumped in to a very angry and red faced Sirius. When he saw James he let out an irritated grunt and sighed. "Sprout just caught me getting some brown sugar from that Hufflepuff bloke MacMillan, and now I've got to spend my bloody friday nights with some sorry Gryffindor wankers babysitting some bloody weed. She needs to get a bloody good shag, I tell you!" He said whilst rolling his eyes.

"And you're volonteering? If you do, be a sweetheart and do McGonagall to because James and I just got the same punishment as you." I said and winked, "I guess that means that you'll spend your friday nights with me, luv."

"And me! Don't forget about me!" James said eagerly, "I can record your shagging in the greenhouse!" he gave Sirius a grin as he spoke. Sirius looked at me and James with a slightly intimidated look at his face. I went to his side and slid my arm around his. "Speaking of people needing very good shags, I always volonteer when it comes to you, Sirius." I said and grabbed his arse before i headed through the portrait hole and in to the common room. I could feel the boys looking at me, James entertained and Sirius intimidated, as I headed for the girls dorm.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: sorry for the super late chapter guys, I've been busy. Here's chapter 3, please leave a review so that I can improve my writing, xx :)

The next day I woke up from someone shaking me and calling my name over and over again. I hate being woken up. "Ruby, get up! You're going to be late for breakfast!"

at 'late for breakfast' I opened my eyes and started into Lily Evans green eyes right above mine. James would be so jealous.

"Thanks for waking me up mate, I owe you one!" I said and jumped out of bed and put on my uniform in the speed of light. Not wanting to be late for breakfast (I was a complete arse without food) I just ran a brush through my hair and ran down the stairs while fixing my tie.

I climbed out the portrait hole and went down to the great hall to try and catch something to eat before the food disappeared when I ran into James who looked as dead as I felt.

"Where's the fire?" he asked with a half grin on his face.

"Can't talk cous, I'm going to be late for breakfast!" I tried to get past him but he blocked my way. "Seriously James, get out of my way! I need to get some breakfast!" I said, trying to get past him while he blocked my way again. I started to get really pissed when he put his arm around my shoulder and sighed. "Oh! Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.. Have you learned nothing the last 6 years at Hogwarts?" he said in a mock-fatherly tone. Great now I was definately not going to get a hold of some food. Shit. James started to walk me down the stair case, still his arm in a firm grip around my sholders. "If you're late for breakfast, you go to the kitchens of course! You don't run like a maniac trying to catch some leftovers!" he still had that fatherly tone in his voice, and his grin got wider.

"Okay, so you're going to tell me that you know a way in to the kitchens?" I said with a slightly sarcastic tone.

"Yes my dear cous, I do actually!" I stopped and gave him a wide-eyed look. "Why haven't you told me this before?"

"I'm sorry luv, but I promised the marauders that I wouldn't tell anyone else! You know, we're blood brothers, howling at the full moon together! We keep our oaths!" I rolled my eyes at him and kicked his leg. Hard. "We're family James, you and your wolf brothers aren't family. Anyway. Show me the kitchens now! You owe me one because you're making me miss my BREAKFAST, wanker!" James shot a wide grin my way again, took my arm and started to lead me down the stairs towards the cellars. I head that the Hufflepuff common room is there, if the kitchen is there too it would make a lot of sense. I mean, all Hufflepuffs I know are on something. Their munchies must get freaky in the middle of the night. Man, I wish I had a kitchen next door.

"What's up with the bed head and why does your clothes look like you've slept in them?" I was pulled back to reality by James' question. I looked at him, then down on myself as I touched my hair. Damn. One knee sock was down, my skirt was wrinkly and my shirt untucked and unbuttoned at the wrists. I pulled up my sock and tried to fix my appearance and smooth out my hair a bit with my fingers as we kept walking.

"Well, I kind of slept in this morning. I would probably have slept all day if Lily hadn't woken me up."

"Lily? How did she look? What did she say? She say anything about me?" James stopped abruptly and looked at me with glistening eyes. Damnit, why did I have to say the L world when we where on our way to my breakfast?

"Well, she looked like she always does! A red headed, green eyed, tall girl with perfect, un-wrinkly clothes and no bad hair days. And no, she didn't talk about you." James sighed and started to walk again.

"Well, technically she isn't that tall. You're just really, really short." He said with a grin. Oh great here we go again.

"Well shit, I'm not THAT short. I'm 1.57,3. It's you guys who are freakishly tall!"

My height had always been a problem for me. 1: I couldn't reach things at home and since I wasn't of age, that was pretty sucky. 2: I was SHORT. Which means that almost every guy I've dated has had to bend down deep just to give me a kiss. WHEN I STAND ON MY TOES. Not that funny, no.

James kept smiling and ruffled my hair again. Damn that tall wanker.

"Well Ruby, at least you'll have an easier time reaching Sirius' business when you want to get down to it, aye?" He elbowed me and laughed, and I elbowed him back in his solar plexus because well, I was hungry, mate. No judging.

"I'm still bloody waiting for my food, are we there yet or what?" I said as James stopped in front of a painting of a fruit bowl. He didn't answer, he merely grinned as he tickled a pear on the painting. "Oh, okay. I see. You've finally lost your bloody marbles. I can't believe I actually.. What?" I stopped my rambling as the pear started to laugh and revealed a doorknob. James put his hand on the doorknob and opened a door. Suddenly I was looking at a huge kitchen with more houselves I had ever seen before in my life. "Bloody shit!" I said, my eyes were huge and I just stood there like an idiot. James grin grew wider and he pulled me in to the kitchens. "I told you I knew where it was!"

We came out of the kitchens well fed and with our bags stuffed with pasties and pastry. James looked at his clock and frowned. "Shit, we're late for Transfiguration. Come on, cuz. I really don't want to get more dentention, I need my friday nights free for mischief!" He said and started to walk fast. "Hey slow down a bit, will you? My legs are shorter than yours!" I said as I half-ran beside him. "Well, excersise is good for you! It's not my fault you were born with short legs!" He grinned and started to walk faster so I had to jog to keep up with him. Damn these tall people! "Well, shit, that's nice of you. You're freaking giant!"

We hurried through the hallways towards the class room, both hoping that McGonagall was in a good mood but not counting on it. We stopped in front of the door, smoothing out or clothes while James messed up his hair a bit more and I tried to smooth mine down. I opened the door and went in first, far more nervous looking than James was. Our classmates turned around to look at us, some annoyed and some, like Sirius, very entertained.

"Ah, miss Hart and mr Potter. How kind of you to honour us with your company!" Professor McGonagall said with a tone that didn't bring us any hope about not getting into trouble. Shit.

"No bother, professor! We were a bit hold up, Peeves you know. I hope we didn't miss too much!" James said as he moved towards his seat next to Sirius. I sat down at the seat closest to me, not wanting to attract that much attention to myself.

"Miss Hart, mr Potter, I expect to see you after class. And you can wipe that grin off your face, mr Black, you will stay too."

I was still tired from last nights escapades, so I hardy paid any attention to what we were studying. I just tried to sneak out bits of pumpkin pasties from my bag without anyone noticing until the class was over.

As the other students fled the room to get out and enjoy the sun, James, Sirius and I sat by our desks.

"Miss Hart and mr Potter, it is an unexcusable behaviour you have! I would have expected it from you, Potter but not from you miss Hart. You have always been more or less well behaved, what has triggered this outburst of rulebreaking?" Professor McGonagall paced as she spoke, and stopped to look at me while waiting for an explanation.

"Well, hrm, professor, I just you know. Hormones. That sort of stuff." I tried to sound confident and locked her gaze.

"Hrm. Anyway, the reason I wanted you three to stay is because tonight you will meet professor Sprout. She will explain to you how to take care of her lilies, and introduce you to them. Tomorrow you will be starting your dentention work. At 19.00 you will be in the greenhouses, and stay there until 22.00. Is that clear?"

The three of us answered with an unenthusiastic "Yes, professor."

"Okay. Well, go on out with you. Don't be late for the next class!"

We got up and I headed for the door, not waiting for the boys to catch up. I had plans to forge with my friends. As from tomorrow, I would have every friday night to smooth talk Sirius. Let the games begin!


End file.
